How to be there for our loved ones

At some point in our lives, we may support someone who has had an abortion or is considering one: a friend, family member, even a colleague or a neighbour. Whether they come to us because they are considering abortion and want support, or are opening up to us after having one, we need to make sure the conversation is helpful, supportive, and non-judgmental. Whether they are sharing this information with us in person or otherwise, we must ensure the warmest environment possible for the conversation.

Firstly, we should let them know they are not alone. This person may have come to us for many different reasons - seeking help, advice, or just warmth and support. Whatever the reason is, it is important that they know we are with them and there to listen.

Likewise, we should make it clear that we trust them. They are the only ones who can make this decision so we must empower them with our trust in them to do what’s best.

We should not put them down, and instead highlight their strengths. They might be experiencing negative emotions, so we should make sure to remind them of all of their wonderful qualities, share the options available, and assure them that no matter what decision they make or made, it was the right one.

In terms of practical support, we can ask how we can help them. By creating space for them to come to us, we allow them to understand that they deserve access to help and support.

Active listening

When talking with someone about their experience with abortion, it is important to use active listening skills. This means paying attention to the other person, and validating their experience without projecting too much of our own experiences onto them. Here, we’ve broken down some essential components of active listening for us to use in our conversation:

• Ask questions. It’s important that we ask relevant and sensitive questions but avoid being overly intrusive to make sure they continue to feel safe and secure.

• Focus the discussion on how they feel, and affirm their emotions. Ultimately, the abortion decision was or is theirs. Validating the emotional experience of abortion and allowing them to feel however they feel about it is the most important thing we can do.

• Limit the advice we give. Before giving any advice, we should ask if they want our advice or if they just want us to listen and support them. This should be a conversation shaped by their needs.

• Pay attention to our body language. We should look attentive and sympathetic, and this can be done by holding eye contact, facing the person while they speak to us, and not using our phone while we’re listening. This will ensure that we care and are eager to listen to them.

Let’s have a look at an example of how to use active listening skills to support someone. Let’s say someone tells us they recently had an abortion, and it comes out that we are the only person they have told. Here is one gentle way of responding:

‘Thank you for sharing this with me. I know this is very personal information, and that it was probably a lonely decision to make, so I appreciate your trust and openness with me.’

This statement affirms their emotions, and builds trust with the other person without offering any unsolicited advice. This is how we want to speak with people. By contrast, we never want to offer judgement on how the person should have behaved, as doing so makes it seem like our support for them is conditional. We want to offer unconditional support to this person and active listening is the way to do that.

If they tell us they have had an abortion

When someone tells us that they have had an abortion, they have trusted us with very personal information. We should offer them kind phrases that show our support and trust, such as ‘Thank you for opening up to me’, ‘I am here for whatever you need’, and ‘I support your decision’. We could also ask if they have any triggers related to the abortion, and if there’s anything we can do to help to minimise the harm of those triggers in our interactions with them.

They may have had previous encounters with people who reinforced negative messages about abortion. Our support for their decision is a compassionate way of shifting the perspective of some of those messages and showing that we don’t judge them for their decision.

Even though they have already had an abortion, there may still be ways we can help practically. We could consider asking them if they need anything, offer to accompany them to the doctor for follow-up appointments, or bring them food.

We should check in with this person from time to time. Even if there are no concrete or practical ways we can help them, by offering support long-term and showing that we are thinking about them, we let them know they can come to us whenever they need support. It’s also important not to treat our loved one in a drastically different way after abortion - show them that they are still our friend/sibling/partner by continuing to show support in ways that aren’t related to the abortion, as this does not and should not define them.

What not to do or say

There are a couple of things that we should not say. For instance, we shouldn’t ask for details of the abortion that may make them uncomfortable. They may still be processing their feelings about the abortion, so our questions should allow them space to do that. We should also refrain from convincing them to discuss any difficult memories or feelings that they’re not ready to talk about.

We should also not ask whether they regret getting an abortion or if they considered other options - again, our role is to allow them to open up about their experience without making them think that there is any ‘right’ way to feel. If we use the active listening skills outlined above, we can help create a healing space for them.

If they are considering an abortion

The decision to have an abortion is deeply personal and should only be made by the person who is pregnant. Although we shouldn’t and can’t make the decision for a loved one, we can play an important part in supporting them and making them feel content with their decision.

The most important thing for us to do is to listen to our loved one. We do not have to offer advice or an opinion and we shouldn’t try to if they haven't asked it of us.

If we are unable to offer the guidance they are looking for, we can help by pointing them in the direction of specialist resources, organisations and trained professionals who can help. Finding these resources for them can be a great way to help, if they want us to.

We should also remember that we are best at supporting others when we are well ourselves. Setting boundaries is not being unsupportive. Abortion is a personal topic and may result in intense conversations. It’s important to protect ourselves for our own sake but also for the sake of the person we are supporting. If our loved one has chosen us to confide in, we should be prepared to support them throughout everything to the best of our abilities.

By keeping our personal opinion out of the decision process, we can ensure that we are not left feeling responsible or accountable for the decision our loved one has made.