Emotional wellbeing throughout the abortion process

It’s very common to feel a range of emotions during the abortion process, and no one should tell us how we should be feeling. Go slow and take whatever time is needed, and remember that any emotions we may feel are all valid - there is no right or wrong.

Before we move on, we want to highlight that two common emotions are always suggested more than others - guilt and shame. These are sometimes framed as emotions we are expected to feel, but this is not the case for everyone! While we have included a section to support those who might be struggling with these feelings, we are not assuming anyone would, or should, feel this. Studies have shown that the most common feeling after an abortion is relief, so it’s not uncommon at all to feel that way. We talk about feeling relief later in this note.

We have created this guide to be as informative as possible for identifying and understanding the various ways we may feel, but there may be something we’re feeling right now that this guide may miss. We hope this note will help us all begin to find our voice, and if needed, bring forth some new insights about our lives, situations, and decisions. Additionally, this video is helpful on dealing with emotions around abortion.

Caring for ourselves when deciding

As discussed in Note 1, deciding whether to have an abortion is our choice, and should be our choice alone; any and all reasons for having an abortion are valid, whether it’s due to medical concerns, not wanting a child, or feeling unprepared and re-traumatised.

Whatever decision we make, this decision is an act of prioritising our own needs and wellbeing. No one else can know exactly what we need, or have needed, because our specific personal circumstances - our physical and mental health, beliefs, social environment, emotional responses, and more - are unique to us. But any choice can bring upheavals in our lives and we may need support in addressing them.

Caring for ourselves doesn’t necessarily mean relying solely on ourselves. If we can, seeking help from others is a great way of tending to our needs. If there are people we trust, talking to them might help us navigate this experience. Whether it’s practical support such as taking us to doctor’s appointments or emotional support such as talking to us or being with us while we make a stressful phone call, we should be able to rely on people who will just listen to our worries and support our decisions without feeling the need to provide unsolicited advice.

Likewise, if finding support or people to talk to is difficult for us, Chayn and other organisations have many resources to support us when dealing with trauma. Even if we know that choosing an abortion is the right decision for us, we may feel conflicted or confused afterward. We should give ourselves permission to work through our emotions as we go forward.

Caring for ourselves after abortion

We may feel fine after an abortion, like a weight has been lifted, or we may feel sad in some way, or we may not know what we’re feeling. Our changing hormones throughout the entire process, and our individual situations may impact these feelings, so it’s important to understand and identify them. While some of us may not need this - we may feel fine and continue to feel fine after - some may feel okay at first but then start to feel more negatively as time goes by, or it may just be the other way around too.

Sometimes, we may not be fully conscious of all of our feelings, and we need to work to identify them to find out how we’re really doing. To help us do that, we’ll try another exercise (exercise 2).

Whether we have positive or negative feelings, what’s important is that we begin to identify how we feel and care for our minds and bodies in the way that best serves us. Remember, this is a process, and it will take time, but this process can help us move forward.

Understanding positive reactions

Later in this guide, we’ll talk a bit about the negative emotions we may struggle with during and after an abortion, but first, we will discuss the positive reactions that we may experience after abortion. It is good to feel happy and confident with your decision. In fact, according to reports of people who have had an abortion, one of the most common emotions felt immediately afterward is relief.

Relief can be a good thing, especially if we were expecting to feel guilt, sadness, or regret. It’s a positive reaction and it helps us feel reassured that we did the right thing, and can help us feel hopeful and optimistic about moving forward.

As we’ve said throughout this guide, we should never feel ashamed of our choices. While we may feel relief, this might be mixed with other emotions or we might be feeling slightly confused as to why we feel relieved. Our feelings may seem at odds and leave us conflicted, but this is completely normal. We should allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel as we go through the experience, especially when we feel relief. We deserve to feel positive about the choices we’ve made for ourselves. That is completely normal too!

Dealing with negative emotions

Many resources to support people through an abortion will immediately talk about feeling negative emotions, particularly guilt and shame. If you are feeling these emotions, continue through this section as we discuss them further. If this does not relate to you, feel free to continue to the next section. We are in charge of how we feel after this experience, and we want to make sure we carry on our journey without any undue influence.

It makes sense that we would have internalised feelings of guilt and shame; debates about morality and abortion are often present around us, or there is a taboo associated with discussing reproductive rights. But of course this does not mean that abortion is morally wrong. Having an abortion is a good decision if it feels so for the person who is pregnant. Nobody should feel that they have to continue a pregnancy.

Although there is nothing to feel guilt or shame for, societal and cultural narratives can impact our emotional wellbeing and self-image. Ultimately, we should make decisions that are based on our bodies and personal circumstances, and nobody apart from ourselves can understand the considerations unique to us.

Dealing with social judgement

Whether or not we have negative feelings initially, people in our lives may try to make us feel ashamed of having or even considering abortion, especially if we are not feeling negatively about it. It’s important to remember that whatever they say is not a reflection of our character or decision. Their comments are a reflection of their own prejudice and judgements, they do not reflect who we are or what we decide to do.

Some of us may turn to our faith or religious communities for guidance or support. For some communities, abortion can be a difficult issue. Having an abortion doesn’t mean we are irresponsible, bad or different to the person we were before. Sometimes we’re brought up with cultural and religious beliefs that can make us feel guilty or ashamed for needing or considering an abortion, but people of all faiths and backgrounds can and do make this choice. Abortion is not immoral.

There are a lot of negative messages worldwide about reproductive rights and abortion, so we may have to work hard to ignore its negative portrayal by the media or those in our community. Even those close to us may be anti-choice and say discouraging things. Whether they’re informed or not about our abortion, hearing these views around us might be difficult or triggering, so preparing ourselves emotionally can help.

We need positive messages for ourselves that are true, affirming and help us heal. To internalise these new messages, we’ve created this exercise (exercise 4). Positive messages can help us move through potentially challenging events in our lives and we must remember that we deserve peace.

Emotional triggers

During and after an abortion, we might experience greater sensitivity to certain ‘triggers’ related to abortion. Triggers are events, comments, experiences, and memories that remind us of something difficult and can be things we encounter in our lives, or things that we witness in the media. It is very valid to be sensitive to certain triggers while going through the abortion process, and even for a long time after.

Personal triggers we could encounter in our everyday lives include:

• People making difficult or biased comments about abortion

• People talking about their own pregnancy and whether or not they are considering abortion

• Seeing someone who is pregnant, or seeing someone with small children

• Any discussion of motherhood, whether positive or negative

• Parents, family members, or friends talking about the value of their pregnancy to them

• A partner making insensitive comments about abortion or pregnancy, or asserting their opinion strongly

• Media narratives of abortion which are inaccurate, misleading or framed negatively

Honouring our experience

Working on our emotional wellbeing after abortion is about integrating this new experience into our lives without shame, guilt or fear. We have faced a potentially difficult situation and gotten through it. If we’re still holding on to negative feelings or messages about our abortion, we can find support in affirming resources. Regardless of how we are feeling, we must recognise that it is our experience, and ours alone. It’s okay to feel like we need the space to grieve or be upset, and it’s okay to feel like we need the space to appreciate the relief for the positive decision we have made. We hope this note has helped us work through some feelings we may be having, and has reminded us that we are not alone in this journey. Any feelings we may be experiencing are valid and worthy.

Abortion is a fundamental human right, and one that should always be honoured.

If you need more information, see if there an abortion hotline in your area to speak to a professional. The International Campaign for Women’s Right to Safe Abortion, Center of Reproductive Rights and Women On Waves all have information that includes local, national, regional and international organisations and agencies that can provide information and support in a number of areas.