Part of: It’s your choice: a judgement-free guide to abortion
Weighing our pregnancy options
Disclaimer: This note is not intended, and cannot be used, as a legal guide. For local laws and regulations regarding abortion for your area, please refer to our directory in YSM as well as these useful resources from the Center of Reproductive Rights and Women Make Waves.
Knowing our options
After receiving news of an unplanned pregnancy, we may be feeling a wide range of emotions. We may be feeling happy, sad, scared or shameful. We may even feel ambivalent when we find out, which is a common reaction. Any emotion we feel is completely normal as we decide what is best for us to do next.
When deciding next steps, It’s important to ask ourselves a very serious question: Is this the right time for me to be pregnant? To help answer, we should first understand the options available to us.
With any unplanned or unwanted pregnancy, we have three options:
Abortion: This is a time-sensitive decision, especially depending on how far along the pregnancy is. The location, availability, and potential cost of an abortion will also change as the pregnancy continues and depending on where we live, so it’s important that we decide and plan for an abortion as soon as we reasonably can.
Adoption: If there are certain factors that rule out the choice of abortion, such as the pregnancy term, availability of resources or our own views on abortion, we may decide on adoption. It may sound obvious, but it’s important to remember that adoption still involves carrying the pregnancy to term. There might be different regulations and time frames around placing a child for adoption, depending on your location, so please check resources in your local area for more specific information.
Parenting: Continuing a pregnancy should be our choice to make, and it’s important to ensure we have the right support going forward if we decide to become a parent. Again, depending on the location, there are different forms of financial aid to assist expecting parent(s), as well as support groups that may prove helpful.
Making a choice around which of these options to take during a pregnancy may be time-sensitive depending on the jurisdiction we are under, and we may need to decide quickly. When faced with tough decisions it’s common to distract ourselves or procrastinate by keeping busy with other things, even if we know what we’re going to do. That’s why it’s important to set aside enough time to really review all options and find the correct help needed.
Sometimes not having enough information makes it even more difficult to decide. We have found practical information on continuing the pregnancy that may help, as well as some practical information for adoption. As with abortion, we must make sure to note the laws, processes, and regulations for adoption in our local area.
Understanding how we feel when choosing abortion
We may be experiencing a lot of confusing and conflicting emotions and thoughts right now, and the first place to start is with how we feel about these options. Our values, beliefs, expectations or previous experiences may affect our feelings, thoughts and choices, without us even realising. Our own goals and plans for our lives may also factor into the decision-making process.
When we explore what we think and how we feel, it can help us make our decision. One way to do this could be to write it all down, as well as examine our values, experiences, goals and plans and then see where pregnancy fits.
Here are some prompts to help. Take some time to think about them, or write down some responses. We may have already decided and therefore don’t have to answer any of these if we don’t want to or aren’t comfortable - they are here to help however needed.
I am feeling…
What information do I still need to make my decision?
Will I be able to get access to my chosen option?
How will these options fit with my goals and plans?
What will happen to my body after going through a pregnancy? What will happen if I choose an abortion?
Am I emotionally ready for this change?
Do I want to have a baby (or another baby), now or ever?
Will the child have another parent who is present or “there” for me?
How important is it to have another person to parent with me?
Can I afford to have a child?
Can I afford the treatment I decide on in my country, if it's not available for free?
How will my family react?
Is my body healthy enough? Am I mentally healthy enough right now?
Is this the right time for me to be responsible for a child?
On the below scale, where would you say you are right now? Why?
Definitely want an abortion------------------Definitely want to continue
On the below scale, where would you say you are right now? Why?
Definitely want to place my child for adoption----------------Definitely want to continue
On the below scale, where would you say you are right now? Why?
Definitely want an abortion---------------Definitely want to place my child for adoption
We need to give ourselves a safe place to think things through. We are the most important person in the decision-making process. This doesn’t mean that others aren't important, but it is vital that we prioritise our needs and actions. Other people should not make the decision for us or influence us. The most important thing to remember is that deciding on abortion should be OUR choice. We’re also not alone in making that choice, with 1 in 4 pregnancies around the world ending in abortion.
Despite all this information, we may not know how we feel in case we decide to go for an abortion, and that’s okay. This decision can be complicated, we may experience different and complex feelings, and that is normal - there are no set emotions for what we should feel. The important thing is to be secure and content that this is the right choice for us.
Pregnancy for people who are transgender, non-binary and intersex
Dealing with unwanted pregnancies can present complex and confusing challenges for those of us who don’t identify as female, are transgender or intersex. Any discomfort or dysphoria with our bodies may surface, as well as other emotions. It’s important to take the time to consider all of our feelings. If there is a counsellor or a support group, we can talk to them, or if we feel comfortable, we can tell our loved ones what’s happening. It’s important to speak in a space where there is no pressure, threat or bias. Talking to someone should give us relief and not become stressful.
Choosing abortion may bring up some worries about accessing sympathetic reproductive healthcare. If you don’t have a regular doctor or clinic that can help with finding care, do some local research on clinic webpages, and call doctors and clinics in your area and speak to a manager to discuss and assess if they have experience treating transgender individuals or understand enough to respect your name and gender. Most importantly, ask for what you need to feel comfortable. You may want to have a friend or advocate help with research and/or accompany you for appointments. Take time to assess what support you need and how to get it.
Reproductive coercion
People in unsupportive, abusive or violent relationships often say that this may affect their decisions when pregnant. Some abusive and controlling people see a partner’s pregnancy as a way of controlling them - this is reproductive coercion and a form of domestic violence. It can be our partner putting pressure on us to become pregnant when we don’t want to be, tampering with contraception, stopping us from having an abortion or putting pressure on us to have an abortion when we don’t want to. Our partners could be inflicting emotional, verbal or physical violence to make sure they get their way. Reproductive coercion, or not having the freedom to make our own decisions, can lead to unwanted and mistimed pregnancies, as well as unwanted abortions.
Everyone who can become pregnant should have the right to decide if and when they do. The ‘double crisis’ of violence and unplanned pregnancy can make it even more difficult for us to decide on the best option. Here is a helpful brochure about reproductive coercion which may help us in making the best decision for ourselves. We deserve to be physically and emotionally safe. We deserve a partner who does not hurt us.
If you are concerned for your safety, you can contact support organisations or your healthcare provider for more assistance and information.
Pregnancy as a result of abuse
This section may be triggering, so please remember to take care of yourself and take breaks when you need to, and skip this section if it doesn’t apply to you.
Some pregnancies are a result of incest - this form of abuse is one of the hardest to deal with alongside pregnancy, due to many issues including:
The family member being someone we may love
We are afraid we may get into trouble
The incest was framed as a game and we were threatened about sharing this information with others
No one believed us when we shared our story
Abortion in cases of rape and/or incest is allowed in a majority of countries worldwide, either through laws enumerating these grounds or by permitting abortion on request. Although rape and incest are distinct legal grounds for abortion, they are very commonly paired together in abortion laws and policies. We should make sure we get the right support we need, and check the resources shared at the beginning of this note for more information.
Seeking support
Although the decision is ours to make, it may help us to speak to others or hear about other people’s experiences. Speaking to loved ones may feel daunting, but discussing our options with others may be a great source of strength.
Some of the people we may decide to talk to are:
Family members - Ultimately, our family should want the best for us and we should be able to speak to them about what has happened and what we are considering.
Close friends - Like our family, trusted friends can be there for us when we need an outside perspective, a temporary distraction, or simply a shoulder to cry on.
Partner - We understand that this may be tricky depending on our individual circumstances. Depending on how involved our partner or the other parent is in our life and how comfortable we are with them, it means the conversation may be brief, drawn-out, or not possible.
Doctors/therapists - While this may not be an option available to all of us based on our personal circumstances and location, speaking to a doctor may help us gain clarity.
Unplanned pregnancy support groups - There may be local and online support groups available for others in the same position to talk to. We can also contact a local pregnancy center to find an in-person support group mediated by a trained professional.
Unplanned pregnancy helplines - Some agencies, again depending on your location, may accept calls and can help counsel about options. There may even be help accessible through texting and online.
A warning for contacting pregnancy support groups and helplines: It’s important to be aware that there are some ‘pregnancy crisis centres’ that are often anti-choice, right-wing groups who spread misinformation, and encourage people to delay their decision until they’ve passed the safe limit of accessing a safe and legal abortion.
Some of these people may be unsupportive of our situation or future decision, and we have the right to distance ourselves from them if we can. The only people who should be involved in our pregnancy are the ones who care about our well-being and who will support our choices.
It’s also important to remember that abortion is a common healthcare procedure which many people opt for without telling anyone, and that is fine too! No one should feel under pressure to disclose their healthcare choices to others.
Despite the fact that others around us may try to make the decision for us, the decision is ours. Hearing stories of others who have made this decision can also be helpful, and there are lots of useful sites and communities for those who have been in our position. There are sites where people are able to freely discuss their experience and decision and sites that give more information on difficult circumstances and dealing with unplanned pregnancy. There is also a really useful pregnancy options workbook for you to look and work through.