Rape Culture is a term used to define a set up in society in which “rape and sexual abuse is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.” (Wikipedia)

, no matter their gender identity. It strips agency from the bodies of survivors, sets harmful hetero-normative (a cis man must be like this, a cis woman must be like that, and non-binary and trans people are something else entirely) ideas about our rights and sexuality, and creates an atmosphere where our bodies feel like items for people to feel entitled to, and which we cannot control or own ourselves. 

 which places the responsibility for rape on the victim, not the perpetrator. Victim-blaming excuses rape and sexual violence and can prevent survivors from seeking support as they fear being judged and blamed for their experience.

 Rape and sexual violence are never the survivor’s fault. 

Around the world there are examples of survivors refusing to accept the holds that rape culture attempts to have on society. In 

 for example thousands of women from Chile and Australia participated in a public feminist performance piece “

” (“Un violador en tu camino”). It’s even been translated into 

. This is their lyrical and visual antidote to historical argument that it is the fault of the women of Chile for being raped or murdered, and 

helps to remind us all of the problems with victim-blaming from rape culture

. It also points a finger at the government institutions responsible for the continued perpetration of violence against us. A new generation is demanding change and working together to cast off the entrenched notions that we somehow provoke attacks against us.

knowing our worth - this is an act of rebellion

. We are told that people will leer and act out at our presence, so we learn to lower our own gaze, look away, cover ourselves up, stay silent, change our clothes or take a different route. 

, whether inside our head or standing up to the harasser (if safe) or reporting them (if possible), 

we take up the space that has been denied to us

, and remove it from those who think they have a right to it. This same thinking framework can be applied to other forms of sexual abuse. If you ever think “well at least what happened to me wasn’t as bad as what happened to them”, just remember that 

, though some can cause more harm and trauma than others. 

No matter how small you think an abusive action is, you did not deserve it.

Rape Culture

The issue at the heart of this debate is our

It may seem like everyone is discussing consent these days but it wasn’t too long ago when rape within a marriage or relationship was not even recognised as that in most laws. Even now, the conversation on consent is far from enlightened and can be muddied by media coverage globally on consent and what it means for us individually.

Due to rape culture and its embedded nature in our society, 

we often internalise toxic concepts of victim blaming and rape apologism

 but this is a safe space to explore that. Whether it is telling your niece or daughter to wear a longer skirt, your male friend that he should have “manned up”, or questioning“if I had said this, it would not have happened”, these thoughts take the responsibility away from the criminal and put it on those who have done nothing to call for it. You may rationalise it in your head by thinking you are reducing the risk of getting assaulted or thinking of ways to make sense of why it happened but we’re here to tell you something you know deep inside: 

. No one does anyone to “deserve” it, nor think they have the right to enact it on others.

Rape culture is emboldened through lots of ways, and one of the most pervasive and toxic is through 

. Sadly, we could write countless pages of the way in which the media portrayals of rape survivors and perpetrators has failed us, as well as failed to focus on systems of power and abuse. The media’s role should be to 

against society’s ills in favour of those who need support the most, but that isn’t always the case. For some survivors, 

the media coverage of their rape or other violence was like a second assault

 on them because of the insensitivity in the media’s use of pictures, publishing names, other invasions of privacy and in the way they reported about their assault. Media coverage like the Italian coverage of the 

directly perpetuate myths and misrepresentations 

about sexual assault and directly shifting blame from this male perpetrator of violence and assigning the responsibility for violence to women. 

We see this happen over and over across the world, with rape culture influencing media representation and then the conversations society has about rape. Another case we see this in is when people ask 

. We’re inclusive of all individuals and their identities, but the predominant subject of this question is almost always female survivors.  We see these survivors questioned and portrayed time and time again based on what they were wearing - be it visible tattoos, 

When we start to actively question and argue back

 against media portrayals and coverage of rape and sexual assault cases, we began to work against rape culture by not allowing it to take over everything we consume and perpetuate the harmful myths that make survivors not want to come forward to report.

Victim-blaming

The way we think and talk about consent needs to change

. We’re used to the expression “no means no” which is really important but we need to go beyond that. There are two reasons for this. For one, it can play into a cultural trope where sex is considered a “conquest” by cis men, and cis women’s pleasure is considered “bad”. Secondly, it contributes to the idea that only women can be raped and are the guardians of “No”. That 

if we don’t say “no”, then it wasn’t really rape

 can be there because of a fear response of “freeze” or “fawn”, or because of coercion within relationships and a fear for the safety of yourself or others. It’s also important to recognise that sexual abuse can happen to and impact everyone, regardless of gender, sexuality, age or race, and as survivors, 

it’s up to us to make space in our world for solidarity with everyone whose boundaries have been violated.

A feminist definition of consent can be… one that is given

This model of “enthusiastic consent” was popularised by the feminist and activist Jacklyn Friedman who has written a whole book titled “Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape”. 

Healthy sexual relationships cannot be treated like a check-box exercise. 

Consent may be withdrawn and then given, or the other way around.

Consent may be given for one interaction and not for the other.

People are allowed to change their minds.

If someone betrays the boundaries you’ve set without any remorse or understanding of why that is problematic

. If they refuse to acknowledge your sexual agency (your right to have and enjoy sexual interactions), then you know that 

. You deserve respect. You deserve to enjoy your sexual interactions - that is quite literally the point of it! If you’re interested in learning more about female pleasure and boundaries, there are few podcasts, books and platforms that get into it.

This is not to say that if only rapists knew the feminist definition of consent, they wouldn’t perpetrate sexual abuse. We’re discussing this because as we go on with our lives, we may look out for red flags and root out internalised acceptance of non-consensual sex. And that as some of us may nurture children into adulthood, we teach this new model of consent which can stop rape culture in its tracks. 

We’ve also put together a playlist of art, spoken word and videos about consent 

Consent

Rape culture is so embedded into our everyday lives that it’s effects ripple through to how we treat survivors of rape and sexual assault or abuse. 

When someone has come forward to say they’ve been raped, 

there are a few common myths that fly around that make it harder for someone to get the support they deserve

. We wanted to break down some of these myths and bust them wide open for you with the reality that rape culture and those who practice it try to push away. 

Let’s break the common myths down and bust them all out. 

Some of these myths about consent and rape make reference to women as victims but all myths around rape and sexual violence are harmful to all survivors of all genders.

Debunking the common rape myths

Myth: If someone is raped while they are drunk, they are at least somewhat responsible for letting things get out of control. 

If someone is raped while they are drunk, the responsibility is still that of the attacker. If someone is drunk, they may not be able to give clear consent. The responsibility lies with the person who is with them to realise they cannot give consent, so should stop what is happening. Alcohol and drugs are often used by perpetrators to make someone vulnerable or shift the blame from their actions: this is a tool used to make victims helpless, unable to give proper consent. In most laws, consent must be fully and freely given in situations of a sexual nature - by someone fully able to do so. If you are unconscious or confused by drugs or alcohol, you are not able to give legal consent. The person to blame is the one committing the crime, whatever the conditions - them being drunk is also not a reason to touch you.

Myth: The victim “asked for it” by being seductive, careless or dressed “inappropriately”.

No one asks to be abused, injured or humiliated. This line of thought puts the blame on the survivor rather than on the abuser who chose to commit a crime. Individuals of all ages, walks of life and backgrounds can be survivors and not one of them chose through their own actions for their assault to take place. Nobody dresses or behaves to invite rape. Nobody leaves their house hoping to be touched or assaulted. Sexual assault can happen to anyone, regardless of how they dress or their previous behaviour. Rape is never the victim’s fault and the victim’s appearance or behaviour never excuse sexual assault.

Myth: When someone says “no” they really mean “yes”.

 Yes means Yes and No means No. There is no other acceptable understanding of consent. Silence does not equal consent and only a “yes” given without pressure is valid consent for sexual activity. If you are ever unclear about someone’s wishes, always clarify. 

Myth: Agreeing to something sexual means that person agrees to everything else. 

Consenting to one thing doesn’t mean someone has automatically agreed to do other activities. Checking for consent should be an ongoing conversation.

"They asked for it"

Myth: If the victim doesn’t struggle or fight, or push back, it isn’t assault or rape.

Rapists aren’t looking for a fight and they don’t need to fight to know what they’re doing is wrong. Many use forms of manipulation or implied threats to get what they want. This is a tactic called coercion. When you are afraid, there can never be consent. Some studies have also shown that women who fight back are more likely to be injured by their attacker. Keeping yourself safe by being quiet does not suddenly make what happened to the survivor okay. Anyone who treats you or has treated you this way is a coward, who avoids responsibility, and uses the tools and tactics to maintain control and blame the people they hurt.

Myth: A rape probably didn’t happen if the victim didn’t shout, fight back or resist. 

Rape victims are often frightened for their safety and so will co-operate with the rapist to protect themselves. Victims may also become frozen with terror and unable to resist. Lack of physical resistance does not mean that consent has been willingly given.

Around 11% of rape victims are male. Men of all sexual orientations can be victims of rape and sexual assault. Men are often fearful of reporting their experiences for fear of being judged as ‘unmanly’ and stigmatised.

The transactions sex workers negotiate with clients are for consensual activities only. Sex workers of all genders have the same rights to consent as anyone else and there is no excuse for assault.

Myth: Only gay men get raped/only gay men rape men.

Men of all sexual orientations get raped, and typically men who rape other men are often heterosexual - they usually have a relationship with a woman. Rapists rape other men as part of their violence and need for power, dominance and control.

"It wasn't really rape"

 Research and evidence from rapists themselves suggests that most rapes are premeditated and planned, and interviews with them reveal that they rape to feel powerful and in control, not for sexual pleasure. There is also no ‘typical victim’ or rape - everyone can be a victim. 

: If all parties are confident about engaging in sexual activity, consent can be clearly and easily communicated to each other. This means that everyone can enjoy the encounter knowing that they are all comfortable.

Myth: Men have a high sex drive so he would have wanted to have sex anyway. Once a man is sexually aroused he can’t help himself; he has to have sex.

 Men can control their urges to have sex just as women can. No-one needs to rape someone for sexual satisfaction and any other reasons they argue they should. Rape is an act of violence and control. It cannot be explained away and there are 

"They didn't mean to do it"

Myth: In the media, we often hear that people “lie” about being raped because they want attention or are seeking revenge. 

Almost everyone who reports rape is telling the truth. As an example, where we are in the UK, only 0.62% of rapes that get reported are untrue. While it’s common for survivors to find it hard to remember all of the details of the sexual assault, this does not mean that they are lying. It is difficult for the brain to remember traumatic events, either because the survivor disassociated to protect themselves, because of drugs or alcohol… In general, memories of traumatic events only contain a few key details. This is normal. You do not have to prove you were violated to yourself by listing through each detail, or be severely injured to know what happened to you is true. It takes incredible courage for survivors to come forward and to seek justice for what has happened- to expose yourself to disbelief or judgment. The majority of people who report sexual assault will always be telling the truth.

Myth: Rape accusations are often used as a way of getting back revenge and can’t be taken seriously.

 Less than 1% of rape prosecutions are for making false allegations. This misconception enforces stereotypes of victims, trivialises victims’ experiences and may make it difficult for them to seek support for fear of being dismissed.

Myth: When it comes to sex, women and girls give out mixed signals. They sometimes 'play hard to get' and say 'no' when they really mean 'yes'. 

Everyone has the legal right to say 'no' to sex and to change their mind at any point of sexual contact. If the other person doesn't stop, they are committing sexual assault or rape. When it comes to sex, we must check in with our partners, respect their wishes, and believe what they tell us about what they do and don't want.

Myth: You can tell if they’ve ‘really’ been raped by how they act.

 Reactions to rape and sexual assault are highly varied and individual, and many experience a form of shock after it that leaves them emotionally numb or flat. There is no ‘one size fits all’ reaction to rape.

"They lied about it"

Myth: Rape and sexual violence happens out of sexual desire.

The idea of Sexual assault is often a sexualized thing in society. But while most people have sexual desires, not everyone commits sexual assault.

Myth: If you are in a relationship with someone, it’s always OK to have sex with them.

 Everyone has the right to say ‘no’ to any type of sexual activity at any time - including with their partner. Consent 

 be given and received freely every time. 

Myth: If two people have had sex with each other before, it’s always OK to have sex again.

 If a person is in a relationship or had sexual contact with someone before, this does not mean they cannot be sexually assaulted or raped by that person. Consent must be given and received every time two people engage in sexual activity. This is true whether you’re in a new relationship, a long-standing relationship and whether you are married or not.

Myth: Some rapes aren’t ‘serious’ rapes

; some rapes and sexual assaults are compounded by other crimes, such as further violence, kidnapping or abuse, which will add to the survivor’s trauma. Acquaintance rape survivors may feel particularly vulnerable, since they have found that even people they trusted may hurt them. They may often have to face their assailants after the rapes, causing additional distress, fear and humiliation. They also tend to view themselves more negatively, and suffer more serious psychological problems than other victims.

"Rape is a trivial event"

Myth: Rapists are strangers lurking in dark alleys.

Busted: There is no such thing as a typical rapist or typical rapist behaviour

. Around 90% of rapes are perpetrated by someone known to the victim in a place that was previously safe to them such as their home or workplace. This myth implies that rape can be prevented by avoiding certain places and therefore blames the victim.

Myth: Men of certain races and backgrounds are more likely to commit sexual violence.

There is no typical rapist. People who commit sexual violence come from all walks of life - every economic, ethnic, racial, age and social group and all genders.

Myth: Women don’t commit sexual offences.

 The majority of sexual assaults and rapes are committed by cis men against cis women and children. However, women do perpetrate sexual violence against other women, men and children. Often people who've been sexually assaulted or abused by a woman worry they won't be believed or their experiences won't be considered 'as bad'. This can make it difficult for these survivors to access services or justice.

 of different myths widely held and rape and sexual assault or abuse that has been created or fed by Rape Culture. We hope that by busting these myths we’ve shown how, in most cases, 

 prevails, and we hope it helps you feel more supported than you may have felt before as you were bombarded with these separate myths. We hope this has helped you realise that, no matter how loud or hard people, the media, society or institutional structures try to say it, 

you are never responsible for what has happened to you

. We hope this helps you remember this, and go on your own myth busting journey!

"Rape is a deviant event"

We would like to give thanks to following resources in helping us write this document:

http://www.endvawnow.org/uploads/browser/files/Rape%20Myths_Questions.pdf

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/myths-vs-realities/

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-21-societal-myths

Thanks

This article runs through rape culture and the effects it has on survivors coming forward.

We talk through the meaning of consent and agency, as well as the harmful victim-blaming narratives that rape culture helps create.

We discuss common myths about rape and debunk each of them to support you and help you understand that what happened to you was valid and real.

Part of: Rape culture and consent

"They didn't mean to do it"