 of assault or abuse, and it’s perfectly valid to decide that we don’t want to tell anyone, or don’t want to tell a specific person. There may be many reasons that we decide not to tell. What is most important, is to 

A trusted friend, family member, counsellor, or an authority figure — it’s up to us with whom we choose to share our story. Telling someone may be a good way to find release, can give us a safe place to cry, help us to feel less alone, or can be a step towards 

. The most important factor to consider is 

what makes us most comfortable and what will help us heal. 

Choosing who to tell can be a difficult decision and there's no ‘one size fits all’ for 

when we share something so personal and traumatic. We should consider 

 from sharing our story, and try to find someone who we feel will 

— whether that is a shoulder to cry on, or maybe support within the reporting process. We should consider who we trust and who we feel will be able to provide us with the space we need to 

 towards hearing our pain. These reactions, which might include anger, are sometimes motivated by feelings of helplessness or guilt: they are angry that this trauma happened to us, and they may think they could have stopped it from happening. It is important to remember that

 we do not have an obligation to manage anyone else’s emotions.

 Choosing to tell someone is about healing ourselves. 

Secondly, we need to consider that the people we tell 

that what happened to us was sexual assault, rape, or abuse. If we tell someone who knows our abuser, they may defend that person or refuse to change their behaviour towards them. It’s crucial to remember that

 it’s not our fault if they don’t believe us

. We can’t control people’s reactions to our trauma. It doesn’t mean we didn’t tell them in the right way, and it certainly doesn’t mean that our trauma didn’t happen. But this is why 

 because we deserve to be believed and supported.

that influence our decision of who to tell. We understand that different cultures view sexual assault differently; in patriarchal societies, people can end up blaming the survivor of the assault rather than the abuser(s). This doesn’t mean everyone close to us will feel this way. Telling someone we

 and whose viewpoints we are comfortable with will ensure we safeguard ourselves when cultural factors are involved. 

Choosing who you tell also involves assessing your

with that person. It’s possible that we tell someone about our trauma, and they tell someone who we didn’t want to know. If we tell a friend, they could tell another friend or acquaintance; if we tell a family member, they could tell a different member of the family. Or, if we tell someone at work that a colleague assaulted us, they could tell another colleague. This is why 

we as survivors might feel conflicted about recounting our experiences

: we are sharing very sensitive, personal information, and we lose some control when we tell someone about it. 

Even if we decide to tell someone, we still have 

. We can choose to share as much as we like. We don’t have to share everything at once. Choosing to tell someone small parts of our story, instead of saying it all at once, can be a way to

 with that person and may be easier to deal with emotionally. 

As we said before, we can decide to tell someone if we feel they would be able to offer us the 

we need to process our trauma. There might also be some 

when telling someone about what happened that could be useful to you. For example:

It is also important to understand that there might be

to consider when deciding who to tell about your assault, especially if you are under 18 or over 65. In some countries, people in certain jobs have a 

, for any illegal and/or unsafe behaviour, even if it happened a long time ago. This is especially true if the abuser is still in a position where they could hurt someone else. Examples include: teachers, doctors, religious officials, social workers, law enforcement (lawyer or police officer), or if your abuser is employed where you still work. So, if we are thinking about telling a person who has a job with a mandatory reporting duty, it might be helpful to look into what the legal implications of telling them would be.

Choosing whether to tell

If we have decided that we want to share, we may wonder when is the right time to speak with someone. If possible, it’s important to try and make sure we are in the right

 before opening up. Here are a few indicators that might help us to determine how we are feeling and

If we identify with most of these feelings, then 

with someone.  However, if we don’t feel safe talking to someone, or feel that it would be re-traumatising to talk about our experience, then 

 before sharing our story. Remember, whatever our feelings, we might just not be ready yet, and that’s totally fine.

Sometimes these conversations can come up organically. Depending on the other person, the conversation may flow naturally into talking about our experiences, even if we don’t feel 100% ready. 

We should use our best judgement and not worry about over-analysing the situation. 

On the other hand, there may also be occasions where we feel pressured into revealing information when we aren’t ready, or to someone you aren’t comfortable talking to. Remember that

and come back to the conversation if and when we feel better prepared. An example of how to do this could be: 

‘This is something that I’m not comfortable discussing at the moment, can we please talk about something else?’.

If we think it might be the right time but aren’t completely sure, then perhaps try speaking a little bit on the subject to gauge the other person’s response. If they respond poorly or we find talking about the topic too tough, we can step away from the subject and 

Choosing the time to share is very personal and it can take weeks, months or years to find a time that you feel comfortable with. It’s important to remember that 

, whenever we like, to whomever we feel comfortable with. There is 

 you have to stick to when choosing when or how to tell someone what happened

 and have a choice over when we talk about our personal experiences, unfortunately

 we are sometimes put in situations when we do have to share w

hen we would rather not. This may happen in cases of mandatory reporting, such as in a school setting, religious institution, or workplace. This can feel very traumatic and uncomfortable, especially if we’re not ready to discuss what happened or we don’t want to talk to the person asking us questions.  We are here to help you deal with those conversations and will offer some advice on this in the rest of these notes.

Choosing the right time 

Deciding how we want the conversation to go

If we’ve made the decision to share our story with someone — or if we’re just thinking about doing so — it can be helpful to 

 by disclosing our story and how we’d like to feel about it afterwards, can guide what we decide to say to a specific person. 

, we may prefer to focus on the effects of our experience on our ability and desire to be intimate. Alternatively, if we’re speaking with 

 hoping that they’ll avoid using triggering language in the workplace, we may offer a very brief explanation of our experience and spend more time describing the behavior we’d like them to model. 

As part of this preparation, we may want to think about 

: would we prefer to tell our story and answer 

 afterwards? Would it be better to have a more conversational discussion where the person we are speaking to leads the conversation by asking questions? 

Thinking about what we’d like to say in advance

 If we’ve got a plan for what we’d like to share, we don’t have to worry about forgetting details (like dates, times and locations) or saying too much.  

What’s the right medium for our conversation?

Conversations can take place in lots of different ways these days: online or offline, written or verbal. We have plenty of options when it comes to the format for our discussion. We’ve listed them below, ordered from least to most intimate. 

Sometimes, we want people to know our story, but we don’t want them to know that it is ours.  In that case, 

finding justice for us may be choosing to share anonymously. 

, survivors of violence have created “walls of shame” where they write their experiences and post them with the name the person or people responsible for harming them. In 

, former and current students of a preparatory school took to social media to share examples of abuse at the hands of teachers. Survivors around the world contact journalists to tell their stories, asking them to go public on their behalf. 

Depending on our circumstances, remaining anonymous may be our 

, especially if we decide to declare online. For more information on how to stay safe online, check out 

Remaining anonymous may also be essential if we are pursuing legal action. There have been cases where the practice of “naming and shaming” the accused has complicated the trial (or future trial). Moreover, depending on the country, individuals whose anonymity is compromised could also risk prosecution.

Writing a letter by email or post is a great medium if we want to be able to 

, and avoid dealing with the recipient's 

 in the moment. It’s also fantastic if we want to have 

 of having shared our story with someone. On the flip side, we have to assume that what we say in a letter will live on forever and might be used in future legal proceedings. 

Be careful not to use statements that our future selves would find compromising. 

For example, try to use neutral language rather than curse words. And be sure to keep a copy of the letter for your records. 

If we want to be able to have a private conversation, but talking face-to-face seems too intense, speaking over the phone is a great option. It creates a 

 between us and the person we are talking to, while allowing us to feel relatively 

. We also have the option to record the conversation for our records; remember that if we choose to do this, we should only do so once we have got permission from the person we are speaking to.

Finally, we may decide that speaking face-to-face is the best option. It gives us a chance to 

with the person we are speaking to and give them

. We can do this on-screen (ideally via a secure application) or in-person. If we decide to have an in-person conversation, we should spend some time thinking about where we want the conversation to take place. 

When telling our stories in-person we want to pick the best location for us to feel the most at ease and comfortable. This is different for everyone: some of us would prefer a 

A public location can be anywhere from a park, to a busy restaurant or a small cosy cafe. Public locations can differ in how many people are nearby, so we want to consider what works best for us individually. For example, a 

, and could be useful if we want to keep questions and reactions to a minimum. This type of location might also be useful if 

 the person we are sharing our story with 

. If afraid of this, consider bringing a trusted friend or having quick access to emergency numbers. 

Some of us prefer to have this conversation 

, or home of the person we are disclosing to. This is better if we trust the person and decide to have a conversation in order to 

 We might still decide to have another trusted person with us in case we are still concerned the person might react badly. We should always ensure we have

 in case we are alone and the conversation ends badly. 

Once we have decided what we want to share, with whom and where, the next step is to

 ask that person to make time for a conversation

. We don’t have to tell them what we’d like to talk about in advance. Simply saying, “there’s something important I’d like to talk to you about, are you free tomorrow evening?” would be enough. Propose a time and place that works best for you.

When telling our stories, we might have an image in our mind on how we want things to go. But there are some things we should prepare for as we can’t predict exactly what will happen.

. It’s always important to remember that questions do not always mean disrespect, sometimes people might not know how to react or ask surprising questions. We might want to respond with “the question you asked is upsetting/makes me feel uncomfortable” or “I’m not sure how to respond to that, can you give me a moment?”. It is valid if you don’t like the questions, 

As we said before, the person we are telling might unfortunately have an 

 us for what happened to us. If this happens,

: it is not our job to manage the reactions of the people we tell. If we receive this kind of unsupportive response, we might want to end the conversation, as we will discuss next. 

Changing our minds during the conversation 

Telling our stories isn’t always easy and sometimes we might want to deviate from our original plan, or no longer feel comfortable disclosing. 

. We can ask ourselves about what to do if, in the moment, we no longer want to discuss what has happened.  Do we want to

 saying a simple phrase — “You know what? I don’t want to discuss this. I have to go.” — or begin the conversation with a warning about how we might react? 

, a moment to gather our thoughts before continuing again. Saying things like “I need a moment, do you want to tell me about your day?” could help make the situation more comfortable. Whenever

 exit strategy: how to end the discussion and what to do next

. We might want to think about whether we would want to spend time with the person we disclosed to after the conversation. Sometimes we might plan fun things like shopping or going to the cinema, or we might simply want to be alone afterwards. The 

gives more details on this. Of course, it’s always possible we have changed our minds about what to do during or after the conversation. Saying things like “I don’t think I have it in me to go out today, would you mind staying in with me/letting me be alone for a while?” can help communicate this.

Setting up the conversation 

As we discussed in the last note, we will want to plan

 we have this conversation. Below, we have some suggestions for

. This is just a starting point, as we know that when we have something so heavy to say it’s hard to find the words. It may feel very overwhelming to start, and this is why we’ve put together some tips. 

 of how you want the conversation to be taken. Something like: “There’s something I need to share with you, and I would appreciate it if you can give me the space to tell my story”.

It’s important to tell the other person how they can create a 

warm, encouraging and non-judgmental space

 for you. If you are in a mutually respectful relationship with this person, this should work. You could ask them to 

 during the story, or to cry and react only once you have completed telling your story.  

Explain what happened or is happening to you in 

whatever amount of detail or style you want.

This part is the hardest. When we discuss our trauma, depending on our personalities, we may choose to give a factual account, or a more emotive account. It’s up to you how you do it, but remember to think about who you are talking to and why you’re telling them this. This may help you consider what would be the most useful things to say.

 so they can understand you. When we go through trauma, it can change the way we think, behave and react to things. For those who don’t know what you’ve been going through or may not understand the impact of trauma, they may have found this concerning. By explaining how you’ve felt and how you are feeling now, you can take them on a journey towards

Talk about what that person can do to support you emotionally or practically, such as being in regular contact (or giving you space) or walking you to work. 

Close the conversation so you can talk about other things or 

if you’re feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable. You could say: “

This situation is upsetting me and I’m not comfortable sharing why, but I need your help right now to escort me to a different location

This situation is upsetting me and I’m not comfortable sharing why, but I need your help to inform the supervisor/moderator that I cannot be here right now.”

Templates for sharing

After having our conversation, we might need some time to 

 that resulted from sharing with someone else. Whether we receive a supportive or an unsupportive response from the person we share with,

 it is essential that we put ourselves first 

It's normal to feel overwhelmed, but remember that fear and confusion are temporary and that these reactions are normal. Take things slowly. 

, and even negative emotions will eventually pass. Talking about the assault could make us feel better, but it's often really hard. Wanting to "get on with our lives" and even avoiding the topic, are also a natural part of recovery.

Telling our story might have brought back memories and flashbacks of the assault. 

: if you feel like crying, let it happen. If you are angry, allow yourself to be angry. Some of us have been brought up to believe that it’s safest to keep our emotions bottled up inside, but letting ourselves go can bring relief. Having these feelings does not mean you're "losing your mind": you're recovering, and in 

healing you’ll find new strengths and insights.

3. Get your mind off recurring negative thoughts. 

If your mind is running in a circle and you feel stuck, allow yourself to change your focus on more positive things. This is not a permanent solution to these thoughts, but it can give us temporary relief as well as help us identify the trigger of our negative feelings.

 Try making a list of things that make you feel better

, like your favourite song or recipe, a joyful memory, or someone who loves you and believes in you. Use this list to uplift yourself and break off the cycle of negative thoughts.

4. Reconnect body and mind — and find ways to laugh.

Even if it seems difficult right now, try to find a way to 

. Do regular things that are not related to your trauma: connect with new or old friends, or start planning the future. We might have been trying to shut down our feelings, but numbing our negative emotions can close the door for positive ones too. Bring back the connection between body and mind with meditation, breathing or movement.

5. Remind yourself: it was not your fault.

Even if you rationally know this, tell yourself as many times as you need that it was not your fault. You did not choose to be assaulted, and being assaulted does not make you a bad person. Surround yourself with people who are supportive. Consider looking for resources that explain why these myths about assault exist, and how they can influence our feelings. 

When moving through a traumatic experience,

 taking care of ourselves has to be our priority. 

Helping ourselves to prevent undue stress, and reminding ourselves of our worth in spite of what we have faced, is very important to our healing as we go through the stages of processing our trauma. Here, we have outlined some 

 that might be helpful for you in the healing process. 

putting ourselves first is a positive and important thing.

The more we take care of ourselves the better we can engage in our relationships with others

. By actively replenishing our spirit and well-being, we create more space in our lives for others and most importantly, for ourselves.

Processing how the sharing went

We would like to give our thanks for use of the following resources in constructing these documents: 

5 Common Outcomes After Telling Someone About Sexual Harassment or Assault & The 1 Thing That… 

Why Many People Don't Talk About Traumatic Events Until Long After They Occur 

https://www.rainn.org/articles/telling-loved-ones-about-sexual-assault#

Thanks

Deciding to tell someone what happened after an assault is a deeply 

and one that we should take time to think about. Choosing if, how, and who we disclose an assault to, is 

. This note will lay out some of the factors to consider in helping us make this decision. 

Telling someone about what happened

Trauma can have an emotional and psychological impact. Understand the brain's reaction to trauma and how we can challenge and repair negative feelings and care for ourselves.

Telling someone about what happened

Start Exploring